Fun stuff to do

Since, as I said before, I'm not particularly motivated today, all I did so far was change my GUI to make even prettier graph, went to the robotics lab to play with the train model (which I named Train-zilla) and see Toby's optic-fiber "wobbling thingy", which isn't what you think (get your mind out of the gutter!). And submitted my poster to a poster competition, because it's A LOT more fun then working on my project. And then I came across this which is a very handy site to confirm your graduation status. I still don't know exactly what it's for, considering you have to be graduated to be on that site, and it gives the name and degree and that's about it. I suppose it's good to check for people's CV. But they people still can't check whether they are going to graduate.

Anyway, mindless rambling aside, I did a few searches on friends back in in my intermediate days whom I haven't heard from since, well, intermediate. I guess I've never been one to be good with keeing in touch, but it's still quite interesting to see where people end up, and see how much people change over the years. Well, maybe not THAT much. I'm still a geek, and probbaly always have been (and damn proud of it :P). But somehow it still brings an enormous sense of nostalgia. I can't help but to wonder where these people are now, and whether I'll ever see them again. There are quite a few of them that I'd really like to catch up with, but funny enough, with internet and all, I sitll haven't managed to find any of them.

Ah well. Life is funny like that. Maybe one day I'll bump into someone. (Then again, I wonder if I can still recognise them...)

Okie, back to reading papers. *sigh*

Lack of motivation and whatnots

It's Monday morning, and I've having a VERY low motivation day even for Monday morning. It's a strange mixture for being tired, stressed, paranoid, and overwhelmed.

As research goes, I think I'm up to the point where I can actually start to do some really decent work, except I'm starting to be ovewhelmed by the scope of the work. Everyone is scared to step into the unknown I guessed, but that's not particularly comforting really. I wish I know how this will all turn out, but I can't. And it's kinda this uncertainty that makes me kinda, well, edgy I guess.

I've also been sick for a good part of the past week, which doesn't help my stress situation.

It does help to read about comments left on this blog though. Somehow when I write this, I never really expect people to really read it, and it's quite touching to see that not only is it being read, people actually care enough to leave a message, and for that I'm grateful. It still makes my day to see that my thought reaches someone I've never met before, and they too share their thoughts. All thanks to the wonder of the internet.

I probably should go and get some work done now. Wich me luck. *sigh*

And Life has a funny way...

I know, I updated today already.

I just got a message on flork from someone I haven't been talking to, and he just commented on how he found it quite inspiring that someone who came from a completely different culture (not to mention language backgrounds) could overcome the difference and come back up to the top. I wouldn't say I'm quite "at the top", or anywhere near as far as I can see. But it does serve as a reality check. Looking back, maybe I have came a long way. In a sense, compared with what I did when I first came over here, and the struggle involved to get to where I am now, maybe the PhD research isn't as bad as I thought. At least I know what I'm doing. I think.

Life has a funny way to remind you of little things like that.

Self Doubt

Didn't update my blog in the past two days, since I was quite sick. I'm getting better now though.

I think I'm starting to doubt myself again, and I'm not even too sure why. I know my progress isn't going too badly, and I know what I need to do next. But somehow it doesn't really comfort me too much. Possibly because of the medical school episode. But I think I'll try to use that postgrad competition as a bit of a feedback as to how well I'm doing. I'm just worried that maybe it'd confirm my worst fear and actually makes me panic even more.

Maybe I'll be more productive if I'm not too paranoid, but really: I just ain't too sure about myself anymore.

A Matter of Faith

I sometimes think I must be one of the worst Christians on Earth. Not only do I not go to church, I also have a lot of issues with quite a few of the church's teaching. I even doubtes whether my prayer is being heard at all sometimes.

And then I think about how I act: maybe I'm not too bad afterall. I repect everythign and everyone, besides maybe when it comes to insects (it's my phobia...). I tried my best to love everyone, and not judge people.

But THEN I think: I DO judge people. I still gossip, and talks about people behind their back. Although I can't help but to do it, it's part of my pattern recognition system to teach me how to deal with people. Is that how us human works? Or am I just finding excuses?

Although I can't help but to think whether God really DO want us to go to church, or if the Church is the one who insist on it. It's getting hard to tell sometimes. That's why scares me.

Well, I suppose if I do my best, no one can blame me. It's just that my best is probably still not good enough. :|

Trivial Details.

Do bear with me today. I'm just a bit sick. (I think it's just a lack of sleep. Didn't sleep til late and woke up at 6 this morning. Not good)

Anyway, I've been thinking about why I want to write this blog at all. Especially when most of the time I ended up withing things like "I have sushis for lunch" or "I hate work". It sounds a bit like my daily email to Pete, bar the mushy part.

I started writing this hoping to share a bit of my thought, a bit of my life, and basically have somewhere I can talk my head off, and friends can read it to see what I'm up to lately. But really, reading it sometimes bre myself to death.

Am I spending too much time of life's trivial details and missing the big picture? I can't help but to think maybe I have. Sometimes I spend so much time thinking about what to have for lunch, or just worried about when I should do line up to get my sushi, that I don't really think I'm spending much quality time at all.

I hope I haven't made my work my life. It might be a wee bit difficult too knowing how slack I am sometimes. But I looked back, even my diary seems boring. I guess different things matter as I grow up, and now it's all just the little trivial things.

It's almost depressing. And sometimes I think it's a chronical disease that a lot of young people feels nowsdays. The world sometimes are overwhelmingly full of the trivials, and I heard countless of friend telling me about how they are unhappy about where they're at, or feel like they're in a rut.

I think the key just lie in getting your priorities right. Problem is how to stick of that priority list.

Back from trip :)

I thought I'll just post that photo there to make people feel a bit jealous. :P It was a very good trip, lots of reading and doing nothing. I also managed to cook for most of the trip and survived. It's quite relaxing.

Now that I'm back, I think I should really try to work on the next bit of my research. Exactly what it is I'm not too sure yet. But I'll find out.

Didn't really feel like getting back to work today yet, so I think I'll just settled for "brainstorming what to do next". With a bit of luck I'll get back to normal by next week.